My Dog’s New Year’s Resolutions

Cici was up all night preparing her New Year’s Resolutions. Here they are:

* I will no longer pull my human down the street, exceptions may apply. (exceptions include other dogs, cats, squirrels, rabbits, lizards, and other prey who may go by at a moment’s notice that I just HAVE TO CHASE) .

* I will not fart, burp, or make other weird and disgusting noises in my human’s face nor breathe on her especially not while she is sleeping.

* I will not slurp my food nor slobber it all over the bowl and floor.

 

* Even though the toilet water is delicious, I will drink the water out of my bowl without whining.

 

* I will wait patiently by the door until my human decides it is time to take me out. And when she takes me out to the yard, I will not bark, nor whine, nor make other strange noises to indicate my misery.

* I will not eat large bones in a hurry until I choke on them, make my human worry about taking me to the vet and end up puking the bones all up.

* I will not eat poop under any circumstance, even if it’s a yummy taste sensation, cat litter snack and not even if it’s outside, in the neighbor’s yard, nor at a dog park.

* I will not growl at NOTHING in the dark, in the yard, nor chase after invisible NOTHINGS in the dark in the yard.

* I will not smile at my human with innocent looking eyes, indicating that I may have done something wrong but am covering it up by looking adorable and irresistibly cute.

* I will not be good while my human is in the house and then sneak into the garbage for a snack while she is away.

* I will not chew on dirty underwear, dirty socks or other tempting human clothing to appease my taste for my human’s scent.

* I will not stare pleadingly into her eyes until she does whatever I want her to do (feed me, walk me, play with me, rub my belly).

* I will no longer hog the bed, leaving my human hanging from the edge, nor sleep on my human’s head or butt, nor snore into my human’s face while she is sleeping.

* Barking at the treats will not make them pop into my mouth.

* When the doorbell rings, I will remember that it is not necessarily for me and let the humans answer the door. And when someone comes in the door, I will not jump on and slobber all over them.

* Mail sometimes comes for my human, large packages are not always for me, so I will not assume they are and poke my nosy cold wet nose into every package.

* I will not lick my butt and then lick my human or any human in the house in the face.

* When it is raining outside, I will go and do my doggie business quickly, despite not wanting to get my puppy paws wet. And I will not complain nor whine nor bark and then proceed to pounce into the mud and roll around in it.

* I will take my baths in stride, without a whimper, nor putting my puppy tail behind my bottom, looking sad and scared, all to make my human feel guilty for wanting me to be fresh, clean and smelling good.

* My first instinct to jump into and roll around in the horse poop, waste pile, manure, stinky dead animal or other obnoxious odors will lead to another bath I don’t want.

* When I shake myself off after my bath, I will do it out of range of my human. Flying water and fur is not on my human’s list of favorite things.

* The oven and stove are hot and if i stick my puppy paws or nose anywhere near the heat, I will be kicked out of the kitchen for good.

* When I am chasing my tail and scratching my butt, I will fall down and if I do, my human will be laughing her head off.

* I will no longer chase cats, nor sniff them in the air, or look all around the house for them after I hear cat noises on the TV screen, the big box with the moving pictures on it.

* Birds are my friends. They are not to be eaten or played with.

* I will not wag my tail at the speed of light and give my human and other humans tail lash and break all local tail wagging ordinances.

* I will not lick the baby in the mouth, nor knock over any children in order to give them a big swipe of my large tongue.

* Dog cookies and human cookies are not necessarily the same.

* I will try to not do lick-by’s even when tempted with naked human legs and feet as they walk by.

* Yes, the neighbor’s dog Lola is outside all of the time yapping. I do not have to yap or bark back at her every time I go outside in the yard.

* I do not need to bark whenever I am tied up outside of a store, certain that I am being left outside for good, or else one of these days, this might come true.

* When the humans are on the Internet, I will not sit so close that I knock them off the bed where they are sitting.

* If my human tells me to move away from her legs because they hurt, I will not sit on her legs to make them all better.

* When my human is typing at the computer, she does not need me to sit at her feet and keep them warm.

* Computer and TV wires and cables are not to be played with EVER.

* I am written about on a blog in her computer, so I will be happy, satisfied and grateful for my fame and fortune and all the perks that come with being a polka dot princess.

* I will sit patiently for my human to take lovely photos of me that she can post on said blog and let the world know what a lovely polka dot princess I am.

* I will not hamper my human from typing on the keyboard when my human is writing about me and other important xitpbeuxmeuemeictthhggg6453ncm.

* Any critter that has it this good should be willing to work for their snacks not demand them. I was not brought up in a barn and I should have table manners by now.

* I will not stalk lizards when I won’t do anything about the ants we sometimes get in the house.

* I will not eat tripe and garbage and then refuse to eat my veggies.

* A warm pepperoni pizza does not have my name on it.  The pizza delivery box is not always for me.

* My human’s breakfast, lunch or dinner is not always good for me.

* I will no longer bark at other dogs when I am on leash and scare everyone to pretend I am a tough girl when really I am a softie at heart and have my breed to be a good ambassador for.

2 Comments

Filed under dog speak, dog treats, dogs, funny, silly dog

2 responses to “My Dog’s New Year’s Resolutions

  1. Cici, you have made far too many New Year’s resolutions. I have only made one. I am going to sleep through the night, not wake my mom up at 2 a.m. and when she puts me out, sit on the step and look in the window at her until she lets me in. Then wake her up again at 4 a.m. and 6 a.m. I will no longer do this as she is looking really tired even tho I do love to be played with several times during the night as I nap quite often during the day. Happy New Year CiCi from M.J.

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